I remember when I was younger, I thought the time went so slow. A week felt like forever, one school year felt like three. But now, looking back on the couple months that have passed, I can’t believe how quickly it have gone by. Seeing kids getting bigger, friends getting married, having kids, you say stuff like “It was just the other day” and you realised it was last month..
The topic today is a hard one for me. I have been diagnosed with PCOS and I have a fibroma. I have known for a long time that something has not been as it should be in my body and I have been going crazy to investigate what it is.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I love kids. I think they are awesome and I’m very close to my nephews and niece. I have seen how life totally change when a little comes in the family and it’s both wonderful and scary in the same time. I wanted to have kids when I felt I’m ready to change my whole world and daily life.
With PCOS and fibroma, it might be hard for us to get pregnant.
Of course, when I found out, I was really sad and I cried for a week. I felt like it was my fault. I have tried to lose weight for months and I couldn’t understand why I felt so up and down in my mood, in my body and my self-confidence was on the bottom. I felt I have failed as a woman.
Months ago, I had a very vivid dream. I can’t remember exactly what month it was but it was before I started my investigation.
The dream was so real that it brings tears to my eyes writing this. I know that a lot of women that have become pregnant with the diagnosis of PCOS and fibroma. So, I’m not saying it’s impossible.
I was standing at the London Bridge train station, having our daughter in my arms. A lot of people rushing by, going to their trains. We are standing and waiting for my husband Cornel. She is talking with her sing song voice and suddenly I spot Cornel in the crowd, walking towards us with a big smile on his face. I feel her squirming, wanting to be put down on the ground so she can run to her daddy.
I hear her shout “DADDYYYY!” while she is running with her arms wide open. I tear up a bit because I see how happy Cornel is to see her and him bending down with his arms wide open for her to throw herself into his arms. Cornel gives me an amused look while our daughter is talking about something that have happened and we share a moment of just pure joy to have this little human in our lives. It makes my heart overflow to see Cornel so happy. Our life is not perfect but we are proud parents to a little girl. Cornel walks towards me and gives me a kiss and then we hold hands as we are heading to our train. While our daughter is still explaining something to her beloved father.
The dream was so real and I could really feel her in my arms. It feels like my heart is aching for her and she doesn’t even exist yet.
As many of you know, I’m a person of faith. And I most definitely know that is a dream sent from my God. I’m so grateful for this dream because it feels like a promise. I didn’t see her but I know, no matter if she is ours by blood or adoption or what-ever she will come from. We are going to have a daughter.
There have been many times in my life were there have been obstacles, as many other people have faced.
I truly believe it’s by decision we live our lives. Being a victim or conqueror. It is up to you if you want to overcome what happened to you or not. Charles R. Swindoll said: “I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.”
How true isn’t that?!
Yesterday I was writing in my journal and this beautiful sentence came to my mind.
“A grateful heart will always be full.” I google it to see if someone actually had said it, if it was a quote that I have heard. I looked at Pinterest and I couldn’t find anything.
I’m claiming this quote. I believe it’s true. A person that is grateful in life, no matter how it looks like, will never miss a thing. It doesn’t mean there will not be hardships, it just means that is an attitude how to live your life. I’m grateful for all the blessings that I have received and the hardships, without the tough times I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
I know, I’m not alone in this journey with PCOS and wanting to have a family. Everything is going to be okay. And for those moments that everything feels so far from being okay, that is okay too.
I’m doing better now that I have done in months. I have work that I really enjoy and that is challenging me, I have spent a lot of time with my beloved husband (we went to a theme park on a Monday and just went on all the crazy rides. It was awesome!)
I’m taking care of my health (not trying to be too emotional when the waves hits me) and I love having a neighbour’s cat visiting us. She is such a love bug!
There are tons to be grateful for when we choose to see it.
Sharing my stories and my journey means a lot to me, even if no-one is reading my blog. Just having a voice and sharing this is enough for me. I hope I can transfer some hope and some love to anyone that is going through what I’m going through right now and are feeling terrified. I have never lost a baby or been pregnant. I don’t know how that feels like. Some days I can feel the fear creeping upon me and wants me to go into panic.
Even if I don’t know what the future brings, I know it’s going to be all right. Whatever happens, happens and I deal with it then. It’s useless to worry about it now. I trust in something bigger than me and I trust that he has me in his hand no matter what happens, I’m safe.
I can just live the best life I can and keep on reaching for my goals and dreams.
Thank you so much for reading, it means a lot to me!
(After I was writing this, I needed to come up with a title. I can’t wait until I can see her face!)
To our daughter
September 24, 2019